Those around me know that not much makes me happier than my sweet nephew Sam. His arrival in late 2009 has truly changed the way that I think - both good and bad. I have made it a priority to spend more time with my family because I don’t want to miss Sam growing up. Sam just might be the closest thing I will ever have to kids of my own and that’s where the bad comes in. I have spent the year loving on my nephew and realizing how truly blessed I am to have him in my life. However I have also spent the year watching my family love on him and how he brings true happiness every time he is around. That’s where reality hits and my circumstances cause that happiness to become pain and anger. I can be a rollercoaster of emotions when it comes to Sam but for the past year I have generally kept the negative parts private.
I thought for a long time that I was ok with the fact that I would never have kids of my own. I thought I would be ok with adopting and I thought God would make that enough, but right now I am praying regularly for comfort and contentment. I pray that my heart continues to love Sam unconditionally and that my heart stops breaking as the reality of my situation continues to linger.
Sometimes I feel so alone. I sit surrounded by people who love me and yet I feel completely alone in my thoughts. I fear that talking about how I feel and admitting that I haven’t fully let go and trusted God to make this part of my life complete will allow for people to judge me. I don’t want to sound selfish and I don’t want people to think that I have lost faith, but I struggle with how God can fill this void in my life. I hear my other single friends who also long to have children of their own talking and I think….wow they have so many options and they don’t even realize. I allow myself to delve into my own self pity and then I scream at God and demand that he makes it all worthwhile for me, that he brings me happiness that fills all voids.
I haven’t lost faith and I still believe that God will heal this place in me and will provide for me everything that I need to fill all voids. One thing I know for sure is that God is in control even when I wish I was the one steering this ship. As I continue through this journey I continue to learn to lean into God not only when I need support but just as importantly in my everyday life. I don’t always want to relinquish control (ok so maybe I never want to, I’m a classic Type A), but I am continuously learning. I work hard and want things done well with a predictable outcome in a timely manner. God on the other hand is patient - patient in molding me, patient in allowing me to make mistakes and patient in allowing me to give him control. I am just very grateful that I serve a God that never gives up on me, provides me with everlasting love and infinite grace.
